Apartments for Cheap

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Your Questions About Apartments In Aurora Co

January 10, 2013

Sharon asks…

QUICK READ! Less than 300 words, opinions please?

So, I’m writing a short horror-esque story from a stalker’s point of view, and this what I have so far… I’m really not sure if I want to re-start it or keep going with this. Opinions? Constructive criticism? Thanks.

I know it’s not much. Really just an intro. Here’s what I got so far:

Love! It’s a madman’s endeavor to even begin to attempt to describe such a sensation, such a lovely, lovely sensation. Nonetheless, here I am, struggling to unearth the words capable of such a task… Am I mad? I don’t feel so, though if this is madness, I receive it with arms wide open. Oh, sweet, sweet turmoil that you have heaved my heart, heavy with adulation, into… What hope could I have had in resisting you?

And yet… Your eyes pass through me each morn in the plaza outside of our apartments as though I were translucent, an invisible man. Your lips, soft and the sweetest shade of pink, like a ripe peach, curl charmingly at other men- your co-workers and friends, perhaps- who murmur greetings and tip their hats to you as you flit by. Unworthy are they of your smile, which shines with a celestial brilliance so radiant it should blind the eye, yet somehow only enraptures it more! Unworthy am I, as well, and thus being so admire only from afar.

But woe, at such a distance the divine glow that emanates from your very being falters, gives only the slightest of warmth… How I yearn to draw closer, to bask fully in that heavenly aurora that is you, if only for a fraction of a second! To have to be so far, always just one more face in the crowd, an insignificant detail of your life… It’s truly torture.

Once, though, and you may not recall the incident- I myself call upon the memory every waking second of the day- our paths, so very unlike, did cross.

Administrator answers:

Wow, that truly was beautiful. I don’t see many passages so wonderfully crafted like that, so for that I applaud you.

I only have one thing to say, and that is for this sentence: “Unworthy am I, as well, and thus being so admire only from afar.”

I would add an “I” before admire, so as to not confuse readers. It takes away from the beauty of the passage, but only by a slight, slight amount, and takes away the confusion of any who get to read this gem.

Congratulations, you’re possibly the first person on B&A to elicit that response from me!

EDIT: Oh, and the woman sounds slightly like a Mary Sue, but that could very well be intentional,, as I well know, especially since it’s a stalker piece.

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